The Well of Strength and Determination

After my last posting, my brother sent me a message of understanding and encouragement that ended with "draw from the well of strength and determination within that has surely been our inheritance."  Good point, Curtis. Very good point.

My first thought when I think of the bestowal of this inheritance is our father. One dictionary defines strength as "moral power, firmness, or courage" and "the inherent capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist." Daddy was the personification of these traits. I could write a book, I'm sure, on his myriad qualities, and in these days of digging deep with introspection and reflection, I've remembered dozens upon dozens of beautiful small details of the life with that man. I can reflect on his love, compassion, generosity, intelligence, integrity, and humor and I will likely never find enough words to convey all that he was. But on his strength and determination, the examples of which resound within us, I will try to share a glimpse.

His determination put him to work at an age when most of us would still be in school. It gave him the fortitude to woo a beautiful young lady, wed her despite her parents' opinion that he wasn't good enough, and provide a life of happiness and love for her. His strength sustained him when he watched her for three days as she lay brain dead from a car wreck that happened as she drove us to school, and he had to make the decision to let her go. His determination kept their two children with him when well-meaning family thought it would be better if we lived with a stable couple. It took both of these traits, through the many years to come, to make the thousands of efforts and decisions that are the responsibility of parents and providers.

It was not always easy. In fact, I would say that it was probably never easy to do all the things that he did. Our life was simple, and I know at many times we were barely getting by, but he kept our home in the country that he and our mother dreamt of, designed, and started building. He kept us in school, 4-H and other activities, and kept us a part of our extended families. He worked HARD at making a living to give us what we needed, and as often as possible, what we wanted. He persevered. And while doing so, he taught us responsibility, sensibility, grace, courage, humanity, and appreciation for all things beautiful in life.

Our inheritance comes from other sources, as well: Our mother, who had the strength and determination as a young wife to leave the suburbs of Houston, the closeness of her large family and network of friends, so that her children could be raised in the peaceful country. She worked and sweated beside Daddy to carve our home, quite literally, from the brush and wood that was their property. She guided us firmly, determined that we not be heathens, and shared with us love, laughter, literacy, faith, folly, and creativity. If the things I know about her could only fill a small book, it would be a small book of richness. And the things I do not know could likely fill volumes. So I digress to grandparents, who each had their own stories of trials and difficulties; who each shared their gifts with us by sharing their love; who each imparted their own seeds of strength and determination, through the children they raised, to my brother and myself. I thank them all.

And since C shares in the frustrations and stresses of our life at this time, I will share a very brief little summary of his parents and their own strength and determination that is a testament to enduring and thriving. As a very young couple they set about to change their lives and improve the future for their small children by leaving their country and their families. They left India separately to accomplish this goal, Ma going first to Denmark for a nursing job until they could afford that Papa and the little ones join her there. After a time they left together for America, where they worked, became citizens, furthered educational pursuits, and provided a very comfortable life for their children to grow. I find it very inspiring to even try to imagine the courage it took to make all the necessary steps to achieve this accomplishment. With strength and determination, as well as faith and love I'm sure, they made for themselves the life they intended.

So, although C and I have to face that our life (and our world) right now is not what we intended it to be, we have in our immediate heritage the qualities to endure and overcome. As all things do, this troubled time shall pass. And, as with most trials, we will be the stronger for it...as were those who've loved us.

The Much-Needed and Long-Overdue Spew of Thought

(Although I am not typically pessimistic or negative, and I'm not comfortable airing private complaints, I am hoping the effort of spilling my guts of my angst and fears will relieve the pressure inside me, and make way for motivation and positive efforts again.)

As with so many other people, financial distress is sucking the life out of us, causing much stress and anxiety, and leaving me feeling frustrated, defeated, and overwhelmingly hopeless.

C has been unemployed since January. Now maybe he won't appreciate me saying that, but it's the truth. I'm not ashamed of him; I'm ashamed FOR him.  He's a skilled, experienced IT professional trying hard to find a job, but there are too few openings and far, far too many people competing for them. I can see how much it eats at him to be in this situation for so long. And now, on top of it, his unemployment benefits are being reduced.

I have a full time job, but it was taken to be a supplement to our livelihood while I finished school. It does not pay well enough to co-support a family alongside unemployment benefits. We've been cutting back some things for quite a while, but with this new reduction in benefits, costs of necessary prescriptions, and extreme rising electrical expense in Texas heat, we just can't get on top of it all. We truly live a very modest life. Small home, paid-off modest cars, we now don't eat out anymore, and we certainly don't travel. We pay rent, utilities, buy groceries, gas, and very little else. I know many people have it worse, and that is truly disheartening. We know we must, and are willing to, do more. That's the worst of it, I think, is that no matter how we try to do the right things to get ahead, doors keep slamming in our faces.

I will now be looking for a better (or additional) job, but with the soaring unemployment rate, that's no immediate cause for hope.

Four years ago, at the age of 40, I started back to school to earn my bachelors degree in business administration to crown my management experience and give myself better opportunities for the future. My enrollment was 3/4 and full-time while I continued working full-time. During illnesses, injuries, and at the expense of time with my family, I worked hard and kept myself on the Dean's List. I completed my courses last month, but I can not get the degree I've earned because there is $2k in tuition that financial aid did not cover, and I can not afford to pay that now.  It seems like a relatively trifling amount in the grand scheme of things, but at present it is an insurmountable obstacle.

Now, thanks to the crash of the economy during these years, I will be competing in a job market that is already overwhelmed with degreed, experienced candidates - vying for jobs that now pay less than they should - and I'll still be short the actual degree.

If our economy weren't so damaged and C could find a job, I would be content to continue with the little job I have to repay my student loans, start working on having my own business, and continue furthering my education. We would be content to live an average, modest life. At present moment, that seems like quite a dream.

So what I'm going through right now is frustration and a feeling of intense hopelessness as we face not having enough for bills due next week, much less the ability to pay off school so I can have my degree, or even afford to fix the broken A/C in my car. What I'm going through is anger that our country's economy is so bad that thousands of people are in similar circumstances of being unable to make ends meet, much less get ahead, no matter how hard they try to help themselves. And I'm disheartened that, by all indications, there is no hope of improvement for any of us anytime soon. At some point, and in a reality that doesn't seem to exist for many in our country anymore, a person's efforts should yield positive results.

(End-note: Am I embarrassed to admit all of this in a blog? Yes and No. It is embarrassing to be in this situation at my/our age, but we are only one example of SO very many in the same predicament. If I could resolve this for every person in the country, I absolutely would. No one-person can fix it, and apparently a plethora of government leaders can't either. If I could leave this sinking-ship of a country, I would. But guess what? I can't afford to.)

NOW I get it! Now how do I get out of it?

So I've been struggling with why I suddenly can't seem to write about anything. I've always enjoyed writing, and just figured that as soon as I was finished with all of my classes I would just start spouting like a verbiage fountain. Well, that has obviously not been the case. I have numerous ideas that I would like to write about, but I just do not feel the joy of words anymore. As I read the blogs of others I realize that what I enjoy the most about them is the wittiness, the sass, the fun. I used to love that part of writing.

So what I have realized in contemplating all of this is that the current state of affairs of life right now have me feeling too heavy-hearted and, let's be honest here, bitter. I can't write witty and sassy when I feel defeated and bitter. On meltdown-Wednesday this week, I could barely speak words, much less write!

So, I realize I must first work on my state of mind (I'll be able to sort that faster than said current state of affairs of life). Forcing myself to find positive, affirming, empowering messages and images at least once a day is helping, as is  my gratitude journal. I'm a natural optimist. A fighter. And I've never been able to just sit idle. So I figure it's just a matter of time until I start to find my words again, and overthrow my anger and bitterness with wit and sass and joie de vivre.

That's No Way To Do A Blog!

Well, two years later I may have something else to say!

HA!

I've had A LOT to say for these past 2 years. But now I am finished with school (a lot to say on THAT) and have time on my hands again after 4 years. So maybe now will be the time to actually blog...with slightly smaller gaps of time between posts.

Where, oh where, to begin?

Reeling with possibilities.......

Someday

Someday I'll travel to the places in this world that call to me. Ireland. The Pacific Northwest. Italy. Greece. France. The Southern and the East coasts of America. The Caribbean. India.

Someday.

Sometimes, especially lately, I fear that my time may come and go before I get to this Someday. It is a sickening fear. I am 42 years old and still at the mercy of an economy that seems damned beyond repair. I have provided a decent life for my son and myself, it is still far from being what he deserves, and there is nothing to guarantee a better future, despite my efforts to work and work and continue my education. I've made decisions that I believe were the best I could make at the times they were made, yet I never manage to get ahead for us. I do not care much for feeling sorry for myself and will continue to try to move forward and upward as much as I can.

Still, I fear for my Somedays.

I must go to Ireland. I know not why. I have no proof of lineage there, nor disproof of it. But it calls to me and stirs a longing that I can not explain. I feel that if there is any place in this world that is my spiritual home, it is Ireland. I do not want to leave this world never having at least seen it. But if I do, I must ensure that there is someone I can trust to get my ashes there.

I've barely traveled within my own country. At my age it is ridiculous, but true, that I have been no where in this world. The wooded coastlines of Oregon and Washington are painfully intriguing to me, yet seem impossibly far away. Even to drive the coastal roads of the South and move on up the East coast is a delight I've longed a lifetime for.

There is a world of beauty and wonder and nature and life out there that I yearn for. The gypsy longings I have suppressed for the majority of my life become ever more clamoring. Will I ever understand my beliefs? my spirituality? my soul?

Will I ever know the peace of touching, seeing, feeling, and breathing in these places that call me? To think that I may not makes it almost impossible to breathe and think.

Someday. Oh, please....Someday.



~Tangled