The Much-Needed and Long-Overdue Spew of Thought

(Although I am not typically pessimistic or negative, and I'm not comfortable airing private complaints, I am hoping the effort of spilling my guts of my angst and fears will relieve the pressure inside me, and make way for motivation and positive efforts again.)

As with so many other people, financial distress is sucking the life out of us, causing much stress and anxiety, and leaving me feeling frustrated, defeated, and overwhelmingly hopeless.

C has been unemployed since January. Now maybe he won't appreciate me saying that, but it's the truth. I'm not ashamed of him; I'm ashamed FOR him.  He's a skilled, experienced IT professional trying hard to find a job, but there are too few openings and far, far too many people competing for them. I can see how much it eats at him to be in this situation for so long. And now, on top of it, his unemployment benefits are being reduced.

I have a full time job, but it was taken to be a supplement to our livelihood while I finished school. It does not pay well enough to co-support a family alongside unemployment benefits. We've been cutting back some things for quite a while, but with this new reduction in benefits, costs of necessary prescriptions, and extreme rising electrical expense in Texas heat, we just can't get on top of it all. We truly live a very modest life. Small home, paid-off modest cars, we now don't eat out anymore, and we certainly don't travel. We pay rent, utilities, buy groceries, gas, and very little else. I know many people have it worse, and that is truly disheartening. We know we must, and are willing to, do more. That's the worst of it, I think, is that no matter how we try to do the right things to get ahead, doors keep slamming in our faces.

I will now be looking for a better (or additional) job, but with the soaring unemployment rate, that's no immediate cause for hope.

Four years ago, at the age of 40, I started back to school to earn my bachelors degree in business administration to crown my management experience and give myself better opportunities for the future. My enrollment was 3/4 and full-time while I continued working full-time. During illnesses, injuries, and at the expense of time with my family, I worked hard and kept myself on the Dean's List. I completed my courses last month, but I can not get the degree I've earned because there is $2k in tuition that financial aid did not cover, and I can not afford to pay that now.  It seems like a relatively trifling amount in the grand scheme of things, but at present it is an insurmountable obstacle.

Now, thanks to the crash of the economy during these years, I will be competing in a job market that is already overwhelmed with degreed, experienced candidates - vying for jobs that now pay less than they should - and I'll still be short the actual degree.

If our economy weren't so damaged and C could find a job, I would be content to continue with the little job I have to repay my student loans, start working on having my own business, and continue furthering my education. We would be content to live an average, modest life. At present moment, that seems like quite a dream.

So what I'm going through right now is frustration and a feeling of intense hopelessness as we face not having enough for bills due next week, much less the ability to pay off school so I can have my degree, or even afford to fix the broken A/C in my car. What I'm going through is anger that our country's economy is so bad that thousands of people are in similar circumstances of being unable to make ends meet, much less get ahead, no matter how hard they try to help themselves. And I'm disheartened that, by all indications, there is no hope of improvement for any of us anytime soon. At some point, and in a reality that doesn't seem to exist for many in our country anymore, a person's efforts should yield positive results.

(End-note: Am I embarrassed to admit all of this in a blog? Yes and No. It is embarrassing to be in this situation at my/our age, but we are only one example of SO very many in the same predicament. If I could resolve this for every person in the country, I absolutely would. No one-person can fix it, and apparently a plethora of government leaders can't either. If I could leave this sinking-ship of a country, I would. But guess what? I can't afford to.)